I've finally answered my question: I know what I want.
I want to stop.I want to stop fighting. I want to stop losing - people and in general - I want to stop dying before my time.
I want to stop being confused.
I want to flow like a spring from the earth and help everything around me to grow and bloom, to move with Grace toward the completion of life-cycle, like a catalyst.
I want to decay at the right moment, and I want to savor it.
Annandale is, for now, a safe place to stop. I will practice stopping.