Showing posts from October, 2018

Downtime is Weird - Unfolding Space

My day-job has been insanely busy for several weeks now - not just in sheer volume, but with complex challenges. I like that; I do. And it was planned so I was able to allocate mental and spatial resources.

In the coming days I have to prep for Texas. Now we're in the eye of the storm, and all my projects are still waiting. But there's no toggle switch - I can't just move over and pick up what's been tabled.

Downtime is weird, especially when there isn't much of it. There's some decompression happening, some unfolding of what was packed under pressure. It makes sense, of course, but I'd forgotten to plan for the unfolding when plotting out my life.  And I should have known better:  I've been unfolding for a year and a half out here in Annandale.  I'd smoothed out some wrinkles and was cutting into the fabric to make something new, but I had to put it aside for the paycheck that keeps me free and legal.

I need to not start admonishing myself for &qu…

On What Was a Wedding Anniversary

Today is the anniversary of my (to-date) only legal marriage. I feel like I should give an official statement.

I'm not angry. I'm not sorry. I made my peace before proceeding with divorce.

There was some awkwardness, mostly outside the marriage, while I tried to maintain calm in the household during the steps leading to the divorce. It was important to me that there not be a messy blow-up, and there wasn't; apparently that was important to my former husband, too, if predictably so.

We arrived at the court successfully in a state of calm. The judge seemed confused, possibly relieved. I'm sure the rest of his day didn't go so smoothly.

My counterpart shed a few tears when I gave back the wedding rings; I wanted to dissociate myself from them and leave him to decide their fate. That was my only bit of meanness, because I knew deciding what to do would be harder for him than for me.

My first year of divorce was a sea-storm. The surges and doldrums were to be expected,…

"Only You" vs. Flirting with Clowns

So it annoys the [expletive] out of me when I pull one of my typical shenanigans, which of course was not a shenanigan when I did it but just a fact of nature, and someone says (inevitably):

"Only you, Deb..." and laughs.

...because No. It's not only me. There are other people in the world who are willing to go outside the box, to eclipse convention, to take the risk. Dare to follow possibility. We do that; it's not only me.

But then...

Every year I go with my friend Liz to Markoff's Haunted Forest.  Please disavow any other scary thing you've been visiting in the DMV; this is what you wanted all along.

My favorite bits are the pirate ship, the Viking encampment, the dragon graveyard and the hardcore bus (it's like being in a Mad Max movie.)  I love the giant Krampus, which this year was wearing the LED counter telling you when it's your turn to enter the forest. I hope I'm not giving away too much here.  The sets are really amazing. I'd lov…

Van Kahvaltı - Nothing But the Best... *Delayed Poetry Alert*

Is anyone else suspicious of the phrase "I wish nothing but the best for you" - like there's something the speaker is repressing, denying himself the right to feel something that conflicts with what he wishes to convey?  - @debsvalidation ...butis inferred, isn't it? But I can't deal with you. But I have to choose my own path. But I...  It's valid, but know that something else is there. There are things unsaid that are as important, if not more, than the best you are wishing. You're setting someone sail, but this is really about you.

Best isn't a real thing; it's a glittering, undefinable, ideal. There are piles of n yet unnamed, and you can't claim to know where they will be categorised and whether you should be wishing them.  Time and space are not clearly identified; choose a word with more useful connotation, like  room Give all of you room, and leave the boundaries fuzzy.

Give your disappointment room to unfold - it's valid and…

I was tired: Parking Handicap vs. Social Grace

I was tired. I pulled awkwardly into a parking spot in front of my bank's ATM; when I realised it was a handicap spot I weighed whether to do my business instead of taking the time to re-park squarely and in a non-designated spot. Yeah, I was that guy. What's 3 feet, right? As I approached the machine, I got called out on it.

"You have a handicapped parking tag?" I do not, I said. I weighed again, considering whether I should just get my business done, or do the right thing.

"Why are you parking there, then?" the lady demanded.

Have you met me?  Of course I was going to do the right thing, but my tired self took a bit too long to respond. Also apparently I shrugged, because the lady yelling at me mimicked my shrug, and demanded again to know why I was parked there. I told the truth.

"Well, because I'm lazy and rude,"I said sincerely. "Would you like to go first while I park properly?"

So I got back in my car and parked along the cu…

On Coffee and Ghosts

Here's me having no concept of time, at work four hours early. I didn't mentally note when I'm to show up because we always start extra office coverage at 10 AM. Except when we don't. Thinking like this is how people die.

Starbucks ground coffee was on sale at my local market, so I bought Espresso Roast for the office. There's crack in it - I never actually want Starbucks coffee until I drink it and then I think it's so great. Starbucks tastes like nostalgia*.

Upon first sip I remember sitting under the palm tree outside my Palm Springs apartment with my friend, or at a table outside the Starbucks on the strip, or in my car at the drive-up window with two poodles and a dalmatian in the back seat. The SBUX employees crowded around the window; they knew the poodles and wanted to know my name.

They were hard times, very real times. I love real so much.

The brain is a funny thing; I can drink this coffee and conjure up the feel of sun on my skin at 7 AM in the des…

*POETRY WARNING* Battle for Sunday Breakfast

How can I eat
digest and become what I eat ready to battle
won't I wither at first sight  mountain that's mine to conquer? 
What for breakfast stops me dreaming back to bed safe under cover?

How to Find Lost Things vs. When to Leave Them Lost

I just dropped an earring back on the floor. I need to go in to work, but I can't just let it fall. I'm worried about losing my favourite earring, and also I can't afford to let this thing nag me all day. Tim taught me to follow through before moving on to the next task.

"It only takes a minute," he said.

He told me this even though he knew me. So many things fall, and follow-through means decisions need to be made. I sometimes really, earnestly, need to let them fall or I will never get where I'm going.

I heard a tick as the round rubber earring back collided with something in its descent, just a ping of rubber hitting metal and nothing more. That means it bounced off the metal file cabinet, and then rolled across the floor. Not much resonance to the ping so I can assume it hit fairly low to the ground, and so didn't roll very far - the rubber will grip the stoneware tile and slow its roll. I turn on the overhead light, crouch to find something the same…