#uncoffeed...

I miss my friend horribly today. I miss the way we could joke about anything, knowing this was the safe zone, knowing we were really all okay and could be trusted in the world despite what we thought funny right now. I miss coffee under palm trees.  I miss painting the stairs. I miss laughing over school assignments. Not holding back. I don't miss those days, but I miss the safe zone and the shared vocabulary.  We knew all along that we'd move on eventually, not knowing to where - it's a rite of passage. We are processes, always moving but not always with translatable maps.  Knowing never makes it easy. I'm alone among friends where I am now.  I've built myself a fort, and I am safe, but it's a different sort of safety.  I miss feeling understood.  I'm afraid of possibly never being understood again, since every minute of every day puts more mileage between then and tomorrow. Now is frangible.  I assure you the fear is valid. New words are...

We need to stop using the word boundary when  defining human relationships.  Maybe not stop, but our society needs a bigger vocabulary.  Once boundaries are established, we need means of getting across them safely.  Your village-of-one scenario is only in your mind. A cell touches its environment.  Your home has doors.  Minds meet.  We use computers to type our messages into the twitterverse, and we anticipate response. If you just said, "I don't care  if anyone responds," you anticipated.  And it isn't what you mean - you do care, but you're preparing yourself for the possibility that you threw a rock over your boundary and nobody threw it back.  Maybe you were hoping they'd throw a rock at you, because that response feels normal. Our society is learning to defy systemic bullying.  We are, in singular form, feeling the authenticity of our true selves.  We're deprogramming the negative self-talk that tried to protect ...

Is anyone else suspicious of the phrase "I wish nothing but the best for you" - like there's something the speaker is repressing, denying himself the right to feel something that conflicts with what he wishes to convey?  - @debsvalidation . .. but is inferred, isn't it? But I can't deal with you. But I have to choose my own path. But I...  It's valid, but know that something else is there. There are things unsaid that are as important, if not more, than the best you are wishing. You're setting someone sail, but this is really about you. Best isn't a real thing; it's a glittering, undefinable, ideal. There are piles of n yet unnamed, and you can't claim to know where they will be categorised and whether you should be wishing them.  Time and space are not clearly identified; choose a word with more useful connotation, like  room .  Give all of you room, and leave the boundaries fuzzy. Give your disappointment room to unfold - it...

Humans are social animals, and we want to connect . We learn our patterns through our parents first. Then, through a series of trial and error, we collect people we like who also like us. Or we learn to like that which we attract, and we let our collection define us. We learn to follow as a default. Empaths feel what others feel literally, physically, not just have an understanding.  If I prick you, I will bleed. The word empathy is used (perhaps incorrectly) to describe recognising unmet needs in others.  Do not assume that, in fulfilling what you perceive to be someone's need, the person will reciprocate by taking care of  yours.  Easy to define intellectually; not so easy to recognise in one's self.  Sometimes what we recognise is a pattern that should be retired. If I don't meet the parameters in certain relationship models -  business, friend, family - I may take lack of acceptance as rejection, which is a model I learned: don't be a let-do...

I'm seeing a potential negative to all this new-found awareness of self that's permeated the inter-verse. I and many other people are putting our opinions on self-care and toxicity out on the internet, so they all look valid. The awakening to acknowledgement of self is beautiful, and I'm glad to see it taking hold in our society. I've been a life-long proponent. Like with any seemingly-new thing, there's the temptation to jump into the deep end of the pool and fully immerse. And the next temptation is to become the guy at the party who quit drinking and smoking but still wants to hang out. He has advice for everyone on the evils of alcohol. He's trying to be helpful. There are thousands of articles on the internet about mental health, and now we have this blog post. I am not a certified mental health professional. I am observant, caring, possibly communistic in my belief that everyone deserves an equal chance to fall on her tuchas** . And when you fall, I...

When my teenage daughter Alia was living with Katie's aunt, she was asked to mind adorable 4-year-old Katie for an afternoon. "Katie doesn't like bread crust," Alia was warned. "You'll need to cut it off her sandwich or she won't eat."  Things that seem trivial to adults are terribly important when you're 4. (The 4-year-olds probably have the best perspective, but that's a different blog post .) "Okay," teenage Alia said, and then she didn't do it. I don't need to explain this. You will probably guess that K ate the sandwich with nary a peep. You would be correct. Alia explained to Auntie that the sandwich was eaten, crust and all. Auntie was amazed. K just smiled with her sweet little face. The next time Auntie made a sandwich with crust on it, K refused to eat. There's probably a legitimate psychological term for the way people never forget where your buttons are once they learn how to push them. This is w...