Getting Myself vs. Getting Over Myself
It makes me human. It makes me hurt and unresolved. I seriously dislike lack of resolution - this is why I watch detective stories. There's a neat wrap-up at the end.
Also, it is a big deal. It's a big deal when anybody hurts enough, for whatever reason, to sit and cry alone in a room. When you do it, give yourself a hug and also a pat on the back for allowing yourself to feel. You don't need to suck it up. You need to listen to your body, and do what you need to do. In all things.
I feel like I have a hole and it's the source of the crying - a void with raw edges that I manage to patch up on most days, so that nothing falls into it and nothing leaks out. It has a voice and it wants something I can't identify. Unsated, it gets louder and finally wails. I don't know what it wants. I don't know what I want. It's my voice, the one I'm hiding from myself.
What do I need, then? Am I co-dependent? I highly doubt it. Do I need to be understood? This is highly likely. Do I need to be entertained? YES. Entertained, engaged, enlightened. My soul weeps with ennui. Boredom is messy and causes poor judgment.
Moe likes to mutter "High-functioning Sociopath" under her breath, and I think it's a valid mantra - it's crucial for a person to understand what she is, first off. Thanks for that phrase, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat.
Moe isn't a sociopath in the way people usually use that word. She's highly analytical and appreciates fine tuning. I appreciate that, too - what's the use of minute detail if nobody notices it? Minute detail doesn't require your acknowledgement; it will still be there if you ignore it.
It's also crucial for a person to understand what she requires for validation - and this is where things get tricky. True validation doesn't mean bolstering someone's dream of what they are. Validation is knowing that other people get you. And there is no drug better.
I have that - I do. I just don't know what's missing. I want to take action, but haven't identified the next step. If a thing can't be identified, then most likely there is not sufficient data to make a determination. Get some more, and make sure it's high-quality.
Suggestions are welcome.