Me vs. Carl Sagans of Ants
*Psychepedantic Rob Coafman told me he has the foolproof method for ant killing:
You need water, sugar, and Borax. It must be Borax. Great success.Here's where I have a problem: I am really anti-genocide. I'll get back to this point in a bit.
Sounds legit, but for the genocide bit. And the next day, there was no convention, not even a delegation, so I figured whatever business the ants had come to do was done, and I went to bed.
And then somebody bit me.
I woke up in the morning with one eye disappearing under an enormous fleshy bulge in my face. I took Benadryl and hied me to Urgent Care, where I was given steroids to stop my face from swallowing my eye. It seems to be working. But I am a vengeful god.
I'm angry, but I feel a little sick about this. Even when I kill a cockroach because I know they're remorseless birthing their children in my home, I get sad. Ants are social creatures with hierarchies. Two-time Pulitzer Prize winner E.O. Wilson explains how ants are neighbors in the global community and a valid part of our ecosystem. They build civilizations. They work with purpose and they follow instructions. They have a queen, dangit, and I am going to take her down, too, like the crap chess player that I am.
Maybe they sought retaliation and attacked me in the night for the bleaching of their kin. I don't care. NIMBY, very little brother. You should have stayed in the back yard.
I bought the Borax on my way home. I should mention that I have on my bucket list a tour of Boron, California -- source of Borax. It's spectacular on the horizon as you drive through the desert, and I half expect Mad Max to come rolling down Twenty Mule Team Road (yes, that's real.)
I also bought sugar, because I didn't have any in the house. My primary use for sugar is baking, and I just haven't been. I prefer raw sugar and I don't care what the ants think; it's not all for them, just 1/4 cup at most.
Vintage Borax and Organic Raw Sugar rolling up the checkout conveyor probably made me look really hipster. I don't care - as long as my face still itches I have motive, and there's killing to be done.
The ants are marching - not Carl Sagans of them, not yet - but this movement needs to be squashed. The Borax is dissolving into ant-candy as I write. Leave the bodies where they fall.
I joke. I will entirely bleach my kitchen.
|Astro Burger, just past Boron, CA|
|Carl will probably get here before breakfast...|
More Ant Advice from cartoonist and videographer Steve Sumrall: