Getting Myself vs. Getting Over Myself

...so I've been crying, quietly or not, for at least 20 minutes now, which is no big deal because it's what girls do, right? Why is that, exactly? Why do guys not do it? Does crying make me girly? Go ahead and cry, guys. I give you permission.

It makes me human. It makes me hurt and unresolved. I seriously dislike lack of resolution - this is why I watch detective stories. There's a neat wrap-up at the end.

Also, it is a big deal. It's a big deal when anybody hurts enough, for whatever reason, to sit and cry alone in a room. When you do it, give yourself a hug and also a pat on the back for allowing yourself to feel. You don't need to suck it up. You need to listen to your body, and do what you need to do. In all things.

I feel like I have a hole and it's the source of the crying - a void with raw edges that I manage to patch up on most days, so that nothing falls into it and nothing leaks out. It has a voice and it wants something I can't identify. Unsated, it gets louder and finally wails. I don't know what it wants. I don't know what I want. It's my voice, the one I'm hiding from myself.

What do I need, then? Am I co-dependent? I highly doubt it. Do I need to be understood? This is highly likely. Do I need to be entertained? YES. Entertained, engaged, enlightened. My soul weeps with ennui. Boredom is messy and causes poor judgment.

Moe likes to mutter "High-functioning Sociopath" under her breath, and I think it's a valid mantra - it's crucial for a person to understand what she is, first off. Thanks for that phrase, Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat.

Moe isn't a sociopath in the way people usually use that word. She's highly analytical and appreciates fine tuning. I appreciate that, too - what's the use of minute detail if nobody notices it? Minute detail doesn't require your acknowledgement; it will still be there if you ignore it.

It's also crucial for a person to understand what she requires for validation - and this is where things get tricky. True validation doesn't mean bolstering someone's dream of what they are.  Validation is knowing that other people get you. And there is no drug better.

I have that -  I do. I just don't know what's missing. I want to take action, but haven't identified the next step. If a thing can't be identified, then most likely there is not sufficient data to make a determination. Get some more, and make sure it's high-quality.

Suggestions are welcome.

Comments

  1. Another good one... I can always relate.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Next steps sometimes find you, and may not always be fast in coming. Be patient, Sweet Kid. And yes, sometimes I feel like mothering you a bit. It doesn't matter what our ages are, sometimes we all need it. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  3. It takes too long to say "highly functioning empathic sociopath". Also, one loses the Sherlock reference to do so.

    Are receiving as much validation as you are giving? Where are you and what are you doing when you notice that the hole/hurt has gotten smaller?

    One should never need permission to feel - even the sad or angry things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Huh. If a person is empathic, can they really be sociopathic? Or does that now require a new term? These days, I feel like I'm running a pretty good balance of give-and-take. I have learned how to distribute validation properly, which is to show interest but not try to adopt the person to whom I want to give validation. What is not good for me is actually not healthy for others, it turns out. And you are absolutely right - one should NEVER need permission. Society doesn't want us to make them feel uncomfortable, though, so we are conditioned from very early on.

      Delete

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