#uncoffeed...

I followed my own advice:  when you don't know what to do, garden. Pulling weeds does something to clarify the bigger picture.  What keeps growing back is native; understand its purpose. Study your soil and weather - and the local wildlife - when choosing to interject a garden into what's already there. You can take risks and plant something you really like, but know that it may not survive the environment even if you dedicate yourself to protecting it. Decide which way you're gonna play this - in my opinion, there are no wrong answers. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing a planet away from what should be my peers. As a rebellious teen cliché, I gravitated toward highly intelligent people who did not hold degrees. They made sense to me, and I seemed to make sense to them. They were happy in their hippie lives, happier than I was in mine. They presented a version of stability to which I could aspire. I get very clear signals from time to time that I did ...

When BRB and I worked at a different job together, we had conversations on how to make wise choices in partnering . One thing we agreed upon: those guys who are in the front row vying for attention are also the ones who are in everybody's front row, and they don't have much to bring to the negotiating table. We wanted a fast measure and possibly a filter: "What have you maintained in your life for at least ten years?" Our coworker Marcus responded: "What if all you've maintained is a good pair of shoes?"  We laughed, but hey. That tells you where a person is at in life, doesn't it? And then I turned the question on myself. I finally had to stop reviving my banyan tree which I'd grown from seed. I killed it three times; no, four. In another episode of prolonged distraction, the jade tree I brought to the office rotted down the middle . I've not had this plant for ten years; more like five. I negotiated it in with a rug purchase ...

You know this one: I went out to get the mail but I could not just walk past the bucket, the hedge clippers, and the weed-monster. The stand of poke-berry was taller than I am; I wish I'd taken a before-photo.  We aren't ready for the after-  yet; the area looks like we're midway through a Marine's first haircut. I do yard-work only when the landlords aren't home. It's not like they'll rush out and stop me, but I'm preventing an unknown awkwardness which makes sense to my inner mind. Some weird balance is struck; so be it. It took a year of living here before I was comfortable making moves against the foliage. At first I wasn't sure how many of the cars coming and going actually belonged to the household or who was in charge of what duties. Since the kids moved out, and it's just Mr. and Mrs., I have a good sense of what gets done and why - time and mobility limits most likely apply. Also, I now get paid to feed their cat when they ...

Here is why I don't buy groceries:  I spent $83 on things that need to be cooked, and then bought food out all week. Today I finally decide to "cook," which means opening a can and a jar. On the plus side, the $2.59 can of Yellowfin Tuna in Olive Oil really is better than the $.99 on sale Wild caught Albacore I usually eat, and the Goya artichokes are seasoned with comino, more Latin-style than Italian (like the Centa brand.) It's good to have options.I'm just lacking fresh leaves - I have mint in the yard but yuck. I planted Lime Basil yesterday, and when that's grown it will be perfect for this combination. The leaves really taste like lime and basil. At $2.50 an envelope, it really doesn't hurt much if you throw  them on the ground and nothing grows - it's a lottery ticket.  I'm all for taking chance that won't leave you ill, incarcerated, or homeless. This bowl of yumminess is keto-friendly because it's largely protein and fat. I...

...so you may remember my banyan tree. I grew it from seed, killed it three times, and vowed to never kill it again. I have a simple gauge of a person's nature: name something you've maintained for at least ten years. My answer is a pile of unfinished projects, furniture I've shucked from state to state, and I had this tree since my second year of marriage. In a way it represented the marriage: it kept reviving itself after near-death experiences. I moved it with pride to Annandale from DC. I was excited about moving forward. And then I got distracted and left it outside to freeze. I developed an interesting bundle of emotions this weekend and decided to burn the stump in a sort of cleansing ceremony. I even folded the pages of a book - Urdu for Beginners - to use as firestarter . The landlords are away and I wouldn't have to explain the blaze in the driveway. And then I realised I don't care. I don't require a ceremony to absolve myself of this failure...

One day I will have an all-black garden. This is my favorite, Aeonium Schwarzkopf. I bought a plant of this variety on eBay, long back, and it died. So I bought another one from a Craigslist ad while I was vacationing in Manhattan Beach. That one died, too. I got one last spring at Al and Mari's house in Sun Valley. I researched and followed all the standard advice, but it was dying, too. It looked like a Q-Tip and all but about six of the black leaves had fallen off. I almost threw it away, but instead I followed my own advice and ignored it. I left it out in the Virginia monsoons all summer and just didn't even look, and it happened. It's about 4" across now. It's happy. I recently made contact with an old friend who'd broken up with me. When I wrote back to her, I told her this: I will take root again, but not here. I will not die in Annandale. This place is not my home . Perhaps I do protest too much, but still. I am going to try and take ...