#uncoffeed...

I think we're going to win a third season of Netflix's MindHunter . I hope I'm right; I hope enough other people appreciate that not-quite-resolved ending. I don't mean the convenient cliffhanger. I mean the part where our society is mirrored and resolution doesn't mean resolution for everyone.  And that deep-80s soundtrack that hearkens back to my basement days. "I feel Guilt, though I know I done no wrong I feel guilt" - Marianne Faithfull This song sums up my mood at the moment.  Ghostly emotions tend to creep on the weekends. I wonder if this feeling of guilt was instilled in me by Catholicism , or if Catholicism was invented to address it? Does it have anything to do with my absent-while-present father ? Some sin for which I've been forgiven?  That nagging feeling that I've missed something crucial and thus failed in my efforts?  Why doesn't matter. Guilt is a powerful tool that's often used against us. ...

You know this one, too - those loaded thoughts you can't. let. go . even though you've parsed them backward and forward and you know your official statement on the topic. Even when you're not sorry you responded the way you did. Even when you don't even like that whatever anymore. This is not the same as the way I can remember the tan wood paneling in the house where we lived before I was 2 years old (confirmed it with my mom) or almost every word I've seen in print . I'm no Marilu Henner , but I astound and annoy even myself. I'm talking about the the thoughts that push their way through the project on the table:  wondering what someone's doing whom you haven't seen in forever, or making you think it's time to put on pants and go because you need biscuits right now. Minneapolis-based rap artist Dessa talked about the "inventory of feelings" she addressed when she used neurofeedback to finally get over a long-term relationshi...

My daughter was born the day before my 27-week prenatal check-up.  Her father noticed at 1:00 AM in a hotel room on Airline Highway in New Orleans that I was literally crawling to the bathroom every half hour because, I said, I had to pee. "No, you are not having that baby now," he muttered into his pillow. But I did. I went by ambulance to Charity Hospital , got stuck with a needle, and held the nurse's hand so she could tell me when to push because I was no longer feeling contractions. By 3:00 AM, Baby Yaya slid out and screamed at the world - not fearful, but annoyed. She was cold and wanted people to stop messing with her. She's still that way. I knew she would be okay despite being early; that she was a complete entity of her own, not a part of me. I was just the vessel. There's a moment like that in the creative process, if I'm lucky. Sometimes I'm focusing so hard on the details of my work that I am absolutely dumbfounded by the final p...

I've been exposing my authentic self by working on art in public. Recently I took a booth at a restaurant so I could eat and keep working. People stopped intermittently to compliment my work, and I said, "Thank you!"  And I meant it, and I didn't get all awkward, even when someone wanted to discuss further. I Advanced the Discussion. Gimme a patch for that. Sunday morning I checked into Beanetics  for a French Press, a pastry, and a table to work. This is where the magic happened. The little Barista-chick who likes my illustrations is leaving; next Saturday is her last day making our coffee. We - she, I, and the other regulars - joked about getting matching coffee bean tattoos on our wrists. The Scottish guy doing genealogy work at the next table was polite or uninterested, but a dancer named Heidi leaned in close to check the detail of my work. Her mom appeared later and asked whether Heidi had seen my work; yes, she had. Heidi's mom is named Margi, h...

I don't feel like going outside, but I have this thing to do I really want to do.  You know what an introver...maybe you don't, exactly. You might think an introvert is a standoffish person who likes doing things alone, but that's only part of the story.  The part you need to know is this:  Let the introvert do her thing, but keep communication open - even if there isn't any sound.  The introvert doesn't want to be alone; she just can't control the energy draining from her. Interaction is an app that saps the battery. When I first moved to Annandale, VA, I realised I could easily fall into a pattern of going from home to work to home.  I researched to find people I could deal with doing things I actually like.  It is useless to force yourself to do things you dislike just to connect with humans - no, it really is. See above comment on sapped battery. So I found this book club , and we're reading one book for over a year now: Gödel, ...