#uncoffeed...

These are myriad "things" that are easy for us to recognize, point to, love or hate, and, in many cases, manipulate or even create." - Daniel C. Dennett, From Bacteria to Bach and Back: the Evolution of Minds We build archetypes without even thinking about it:  you visualise your dreams, your goals, your friends, your self.  You make decisions based largely on the mental models  you've created with data you collected to build those archetypes. If you're emotionally invested in the advice you've lent someone, you may take their failure worse than they do. If your knowledge is currency and you need to keep ledgers on where you spend it, then do that before spending, not after. Give without strings attached, and that includes advice. If you love someone, let them fail.  If you can't afford to clean them up after the fall, tell them.  Let them know you love them but you can't afford it right now.  Answer their questions honestly. That's all y...

When BRB and I worked at a different job together, we had conversations on how to make wise choices in partnering . One thing we agreed upon: those guys who are in the front row vying for attention are also the ones who are in everybody's front row, and they don't have much to bring to the negotiating table. We wanted a fast measure and possibly a filter: "What have you maintained in your life for at least ten years?" Our coworker Marcus responded: "What if all you've maintained is a good pair of shoes?"  We laughed, but hey. That tells you where a person is at in life, doesn't it? And then I turned the question on myself. I finally had to stop reviving my banyan tree which I'd grown from seed. I killed it three times; no, four. In another episode of prolonged distraction, the jade tree I brought to the office rotted down the middle . I've not had this plant for ten years; more like five. I negotiated it in with a rug purchase ...

My day-job has been insanely busy for several weeks now - not just in sheer volume, but with complex challenges. I like that; I do. And it was planned so I was able to allocate mental and spatial resources. In the coming days I have to prep for Texas . Now we're in the eye of the storm, and all my projects are still waiting. But there's no toggle switch - I can't just move over and pick up what's been tabled. Downtime is weird, especially when there isn't much of it. There's some decompression happening, some unfolding of what was packed under pressure. It makes sense, of course, but I'd forgotten to plan for the unfolding when plotting out my life.  And I should have known better:  I've been unfolding for a year and a half out here in Annandale.  I'd smoothed out some wrinkles and was cutting into the fabric to make something new, but I had to put it aside for the paycheck that keeps me free and legal. I need to not start admonishing myself...

Before you can accept people for who they are and what they have to offer you have to accept yourself and what you can offer to yourself. It can be a lonely place to start, but it's absolutely necessary.  If someone matters to you, tell them. They may ask how or why; you don't have to answer.  You can answer with, "I don't know."  Our culture tends to place an inordinate amount of value on romantic social relationships, pretty frosted decorations, when what we need is the nutritious meal. There are so many ways that people matter to us, some seemingly unimportant. They're very important. Eventually you may tell yourself why these people matter to you, and maybe you can share with them. Tell the people that matter to you:  You are not frosting. For yourself:  maybe you can't manage a full nutritious meal right now. Start with what you have. You probably have some fat in the refrigerator, flour in the cupboard (and you can't remember ho...

Part of Adulting, New Age Model, is self-care. It's a huge part, intersecting with all other directives. Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First. This can be confusing. I was taught to be mindful of others: how would I feel if someone said that thing to me? I became very introspective. How would I actually feel? Taking the time to calculate scenarios may have made me somewhat prescient and somewhat slow. It also left me in a void when I learned, by trial and error, that not all persons were making the same calculations. In fact, there is a whole subset of humans who rate interactions on how well you consider their needs. You know; you've dated some of them. You end up doing double duty, caring for yourself and them, or just caring for them. It is daunting to understand HOW to take care of yourself the way you take care of others. It isn't wrong to think how our actions will make other people feel. It's an important lesson because it mitigates our natural solipsistic te...

The early morning sun bounces off the ripples in my coffee. She dips a finger to retrieve the gnat, its wings like oars on the inky black. "Look - I rescued him." She presents her finger, gnat-wings plastered to her skin, for my inspection. "How can you tell it's a him? Tiny balls?" I snigger. I feel her eyes roll as she focuses on peeling the wings loose. "You're such a pig. Shit. I think I broke one. Shit." I know better than to laugh. She believes - we both do - that every life is precious and deserves an equal chance to be happy.  Happiness does not seem to be the fate for this gnat. But I put my mug on the wooden spool table, and slide across the seat of the porch swing until our legs are touching. "I'm sorry, baby. Is he still alive?" "Yeah." She uses a fingernail from the opposite hand to slide the soggy insect onto the arm of the swing.  "He's walking, or trying to. Damn." She leans again...

Meg and I were leaving our favorite Turkish Restaurant, Meze , when we saw a woman wearing a hat that erupted in black feathers. She was on the sidewalk, handing out Origami Cranes from a basket. Of course I wanted one. Here's the wish attached to it: "tend to your pain like a mother cradles her baby, put aside what you're doing and take care of it. act of holding brings relief, even when you don't know what's causing the pain. art of power 844 you are held and supported by the entire universe." I thought about this, and decided to do it. I go though life assuring myself that I have conquered any issues I may have, because I know how I should feel about them and I reasonably sincerely do. However, there is still pain, and probably I have been ignoring it for so long it feels normal.  You know this one, don't you? We're brought up - many of us are - to suck it up, "keep a stiff upper lip". Nobody's got it easier; just sti...