The Bread Crust Theory - A Story of Boundaries

When my teenage daughter Alia was living with Katie's aunt, she was asked to mind adorable 4-year-old Katie for an afternoon.

"Katie doesn't like bread crust," Alia was warned. "You'll need to cut it off her sandwich or she won't eat."

 Things that seem trivial to adults are terribly important when you're 4. (The 4-year-olds probably have the best perspective, but that's a different blog post.)

"Okay," teenage Alia said, and then she didn't do it. I don't need to explain this.

You will probably guess that K ate the sandwich with nary a peep. You would be correct. Alia explained to Auntie that the sandwich was eaten, crust and all. Auntie was amazed. K just smiled with her sweet little face.

The next time Auntie made a sandwich with crust on it, K refused to eat.

There's probably a legitimate psychological term for the way people never forget where your buttons are once they learn how to push them. This is why you don't go back to an ex. No matter how the two of you have grown and changed, odds are high that the same buttons will not only be active, but you will unconsciously thrust them to the front to be pushed.

When a certain person and a certain situation are aligned, you expect things to go a certain way. AND YOU MAY CAUSE IT TO HAPPEN, even if the other person isn't actually falling into old patterns.

There isn't one party or the other at fault here, but it's extremely important to understand that Bread Crust Theory is real. If you're changing  yourself and the way you interact, it may be easier to find new surroundings, and consciously make available the buttons you want to be pushed. 

People who know you will have expectations. When you give them that sandwich the new way, they won't take it, because it's you that gave it to them, and you should know better.

It isn't always possible or  the best answer to change your surroundings. Completely changing your surroundings may create a false sense of security. Everything's going swell, and then someone hands you a sandwich with the crust on. Boom.

It'll be more difficult but ultimately far better to learn to navigate those mines with your new self. You can do it. Like with any other challenge, it only takes awareness.

Be aware of your surroundings; know your triggers. Never forget that other people have triggers, too:  You may not have known you were pushing them. It could be that your habit helped make the trigger. Don't run around accommodating everyone's neuroses; just be aware of them, stepping aside if necessary. Sometimes you take the sandwich, but not always.

Personal growth is a process, and as with any moving thing it's best to remain flexible. Rigidity causes collisions. You can choose what bread you like, but learn to pick your battles.

Mad Props to The Bloggess, my hero. I'm just trying to be like you (and like me, because I am awesome. Can I be all of us?)

Further Reading:

6 Steps to Changing Someone's Passive Aggressive Behavior

Re-opening lines of communication would be a better description than "changing someone's behaviour." The Bread Crust Theory does align somewhat with Passive Aggressive Behaviour, because it manifests as a silent protest.  This article teaches Benign Confrontation as a way to re-open lines of communication which may have been closed off.