Unreasonable Heart - Desperately Seeking Purpose


This is one of my cruelest demons:  the nagging feeling that somewhere, somehow, I've done something wrong and it's coming back to haunt me.

That I've hurt someone with my obliviousness, and  I should be punishing myself for knowing better.  For doing it yet again.  Because I probably have - I've met me - but maybe I haven't.  I'm practicing Mindful STFU, but it's slow going.  I'm used to regret.

When things are too calm, I start waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I wait for the secret pleasure of resolution in that moment when I find out what went wrong, and I can say Aha! There it is - that place where I failed to hold up my corner of the universe.

There is no math to support my belief, but if I wait long enough, I'll be able to draw an inaccurate conclusion, congratulate myself for missing the mark.

We are pattern extractors, and the worst pattern is the one where we spend every minute it takes, all the way to a lifetime, creating reasons for the thing that fascinates us, amazes us, unsettles us.  There must be reason, we tell ourselves.  We're not content to accept that a thing just is.

Drama Addiction is real. Learn to recognise it; learn some coping mechanisms if you own it.

Which came first - the reason, or the problem?  Did we create it because there was a nagging question, or just a craving to self-flagellate?  What complex imbalance of chemicals and hormones causes this need to create problems? Is it so important to feel relevant, even if I have to be the bad guy in order to have impacted others?

Just stoppit.  When the shoe does drop, you can clean up the mess. You know how; God knows you've done it enough times, yeah?  Even relevance needs downtime; consider it a nap.  So while there is no shoe, do something else:  go outside, read a book, cook, maybe nothing.

Nothing is sometimes a thing that very much needs to be done.  

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